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Advice on Giving Advice

October 31, 2013 Leave a comment

communication roadblocksI am sure that you have experienced a time when you turned to a friend, family member, or colleague when you were upset or frustrated hoping that you could share with him/her what was bothering you only to receive an earful of unwanted advice in return.  Rather than feeling heard, you felt irritated and disengaged.

I was at a course called Leader Effectiveness Training (LET) just a couple of weeks ago and we were learning about how we can avoid these common communication roadblocks.

The first step, which we so often get wrong, is to identify who actually owns the problem.  For many of us, our first instinct is to jump in and try to solve the problem for the other person.  When we care about someone or about the outcome of a situation, we want to take ownership of that problem.  In doing this we are not taking the time to actively listen and are not empowering the other to come up with a solution.

I find that this is most common with people in a position of authority such as, organizational leaders and parents.  There is a deep investment in finding a suitable resolution, so the leader/parent steps in, takes over, and solves the problem.  The difficulty with this scenario is that even if the issue is resolved, the person who originally experienced the problem has no further insight or ability to deal with similar situations when they arise in the future.  If we, instead, engage in active listening, avoid some of our strong natural instincts to advise, reassure, or analyze, then we send the message that we are here to support and listen and empower the other to find an approach to the problem that is his/her own.

Taking this approach can be both liberating and rewarding.  Instead of having to own and, therefore, resolve every issue that is brought to your attention, you enable others by trusting that they have the capability to develop and execute on a resolution.

So the next time that someone approaches you with a problem try to first bite your lip and allow him/her to own the problem; instead, listen actively to what he/she is saying.  As they taught us at LET many of the things that we naturally want to do in that moment can make the other person feel like he/she is not being listened too.  These are called communication roadblocks and include:

  • Ordering
  • Warning
  • Moralizing
  • Advising
  • Using Logic
  • Criticising
  • Praising
  • Labeling
  • Analyzing
  • Reassuring
  • Questioning
  • Avoiding

For further insight on why these are roadblocks and how you can avoid them, visit: http://www.gordontraining.com/leadership-training/do-you-use-the-dirty-dozen-when-you-communicate/

http://www.gordontraining.com/leadership-training/leadership-training-do-you-give-advice/

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